I Am Not Fat

06 Oct

I’m not gonna say this twice! (If i do, disregard the others.). I AM NOT FAT! Y’all got that? I just happen to be blessed by the genetic pool that define my make up. For as long as i can remember, i’ve always had a bumbum bigger than most, i cant apologise for that. Plus i also have large bones to go with them. So its not my fault okay? I am not fat!

In case you dont understand my rant, i have recently noticed that accusation a lot. From people who are thin and cant add weight even if they were force fed. People who dont have bumbum and that are jealous of mine. They open their mouth and call me fat. I dont blame you at all . To add salt and pepper to injury, they now ask me to slim down and lose weight. I tell them in my mind that i am not fat. I eat good food and it shows. Shebi a big tummy is kuku a sign of good living. I have an healthy digestive system that extracts the nutrients my body needs to grow. So mind yourself seriously. Ka ji ko?

**** End of Rant****

Now, this is something i’ve wanted to write about for a while. You know how men desire women to have the perfect Figure 8? Even after 2 or 3 children? And they now complain that she isn’t looking like what he married and she argues that he is supposed to love her anyway since its his children that turned her this way. Man then sees another figure 8 and well endowed lady and starts cheating on his wife. Sounds familiar? Well let me rant before i put a twist to it.


Having seen some women in their 60s, take Vera Wang for instance, that picture above was taken when she was 62. That body rivals a lot of young girls’ nowadays.


This woman was 55 years old at the time.

Lets face reality, very few people in Nigeria can pull that off. My mum is 50 and she looks great for her age. Better than a lot of her colleagues who are even younger. In other to put this in perspective, you need to picture Lagos, if you are still on your bed by 6am, you can be sure you are not escaping that traffic, that early morning logjam that defines the streets of “Lasgidi”, you get to work and eat something, afternoon you eat something, by 4,5,6pm you leave the office, get stuck in returning traffic and pray you get home on time to prepare food for your family. You’re lucky you get home 8pm. And now, someone expects you in the middle of all that find time to work out? Come on! Lets be as realistic as possible here. Lets say you try more than most and watch what you eat…sometimes. After a while you realise its just not enough.
Another factor to consider is that by the time you hit 50, you’re pretty close to hitting a top position at work, less hard work, more paper pushing, document signing and of course more pay. So you do what everybody else does, you chop your life! And before you know it, your sides fill up, the figure 8 disappears, fat starts piling up in the stomach and voila, you are rotund!

I used to criticize those women, calling them lazy for allowing their bodies to lose shape. And siding with the foolish husbands who use that as an excuse to frolick with girls far younger than them. Saying stuff like “look at how soon Beyonce dropped her baby fat and jumped right back on the saddle” while forgetting one critical thing. Beyonce doesn’t represent the common American. Her type of work gives her the luxury of time. Heck! Even if she never sings again, she’ll never lack with what she already has. Forgetting that This is Nigeria! Where hustle has a face, has a voice, even has a name. And there is no time for serenren.

Before i started work, i used to think “hey just wake up early and do 30minutes to 1hr workout” and you’ll put the fat in check. Tell that to a mother of 3 who has to wake up and prepare the kids for school and still prepare herself for work all before 6:30am. I mean, whats there? How hard can that be? Right?
Now that I’ve started working, I’m So positioned that 10mins is all i need to get to work, factor in the time I’d use to get ready and all that,.I’d still have pretty notable time for my workouts. But alas it is not so! Even when I manage to wake up between 5:30am and 6am, I use it for my devotion! And sometimes sleep back, before u know it, It’s 7am and you have to be at work by 8, So I manage do 50-60 pushups and sometimes Add some sit-ups not regularly, dress up and his to work. Note that I’m single and take care of nobody But me.
So little by little, I’ve been adding weight these past months, and people are now talking and It’s pissing me off.

I tell myself many things, (my rant above), defend myself with genetics and the fact that I’m a guy, all that matters is How successful I am, I’d still be attractive. Shebi ladies kuku like money. I go further by saying, It’s not even that bad, when it gets really bad, I’ll do something about it, people just like putting their noses in other people’s matter. Screw them, It’s my life, It’s my body, and I will do with it as I please! Yada yada yada, meanwhile the paunch grows. I stand in front of the mirror and pull my stomach in, while telling myself “Is Nothing!”

Here comes the twist, its all about CONTROL. How much control do you have over yourself? Are you a victim of your desires or were you just living life as it comes? Do you close your eyes to the drops of water and start fixing when it becomes a flood? CONTROL! Many of us just live life singing “Que sera sera, whatever will be will be”, That’s all well and good until things take a turn in a direction you never anticipated or saw coming, life throws you a curve and you now have to “deal with it”. I’m gonna admit This, we know So little and can control that much, But wherever we find out that we indeed have control over, let’s not leave it up to chance.

Take a step today, you’d be amazed at How much just regular jogging daily can do to your body, your heart, lungs skin, and overall mental acuity. Just set a time, whatever distance you cover in 30minutes for instance, after which you head back home and prepare for work. If you don’t have that luxury, get a treadmill, get your whole body working and You’ll see the effect in a short while. Talk they say is cheap, So I’ve bought my running shoes and started. You might Wanna take the initiative too, take control. And when you don’t see the point (which trust me will happen in the first few days) just remember How Good You’ll feel both in and out when you’ve successfully lost some weight, you wont have to spend forever in the market just to find something that both fits and is attractive, you also get the extra benefit of shutting up your ‘beefers and haters’.

You can’t deny the power of habits and how much effects they have on our lives, the way I see it, we’re still young and this is an habit that once you inculcate, has many pros and few cons (can’t think of any off the top of my head ). Whether you’re male or female, young or young at heart, it’ll be to your own benefit. Especially ladies, you have no idea how sexy a flat tummy is, I shit you not when I tell you It’s damn hawt! You’ll immediately start feeling good about yourself.

Finally do it for you! Not for anybody or what they say. If you know how many people have asked me to start working out, some even went as far as instructing me to do so. Zilch is what it did. I decided to start jogging when I went to the market to get new trousers, I told my roommate I use size 32, got there and 32 felt So small I had to say What?! I picked up size 34 , took it home and it was soooo tight I had to go back to pick up size 36. Now calm your balls and listen. It was way too free and not corporate at all. I didn’t return it, I kept it as my Ginger source and the next day I started jogging. My terms! So don’t go doing cos you read this, find your own reason, it’ll Help you stay focused.

P.S. Try and use the word Big instead of Fat, it sounds nicer.

Thank you for reading. Feel free to drop your comments below.

I remain @overlordnoni


Posted by on October 6, 2013 in Discussion, Inspiration, Social commentary


Tags: , ,

2 responses to “I Am Not Fat

  1. Lily

    October 7, 2013 at 1:18 am

    Haha, the confessions of Yokozuna. Welcome back.

    • hasarla

      April 4, 2014 at 6:10 am

      Emi Yokozuma? If I catch you Mo


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